The Begining

I remember those few minutes after I found out just like as if they were this morning. I saw the cleft in the ultrasound, but I didn't want to believe it. Even after the ultrasound tech confirmed my fears, I still wanted to think this was just some bad dream and I will still wake up... And my baby will be perfect and whole. I cried. A lot. After numerous tests we were happy to know it was just isolated, and not associated with any syndromes. I thought the geneticist was so cruel when she said "should you choose to keep the baby...". What kind of a comment is that!? But obviously, some parents do choose to terminate a pregnancy because the baby is not "perfect". 

Those few months till his arrival, I studied every chance I got! I knew everything about cleft lip and palate. The causes, the methods of feeding, what to expect, saw hundreds of pictures of cleft cuties, and just absorbed every little thing I could. I had so many fears, biggest of which will I love this little guy? How would I feel when I see him? How will I handle the first few months before the first surgery? How will everyone react to seeing him? 

He decided to make quite the appearance - but that is another story. As soon as I saw his beautiful face, all my fears suddenly disappeared. My mother bear instincts kicked in and all I cared about the first few days and weeks were to get him to feed and grow. I didn't care about anyone. I took it upon myself to educate about clefts. I loved him with my whole being, just as much as my love for my little girl. He was perfect, and by the time surgery came around, I was in mourning, knowing I will forever miss that wide beautiful smile. 

My baby boy turns one this week! It's crazy how fast this year has flown by. But even crazier how much we have accomplished. He took his first steps this week, squashing my fears of him having any physical set backs because of his hospitalizations. He eats everything! Including very little crumb or thread he sees, making my worries of him catching up on feeding forgotten! He's growing like a weed, babbling and yelling. 

It's been an amazing year of growth and tears... And growing pains. Every surgery brought it's own fears, and every phase had it's own struggles. Looking back, I didn't know I had it in me. I didn't know how brave I would be to take him out and about before his lip repair, proudly a mom of a cleft affected child. I didn't know how I would panic 30 times a day trying to get him to feed post-op, but never giving up, only trying a few minutes later. I didn't know how important it is to listen to your gut. Or how crucial it is to advocate for your child. One year later now, I feel so much bigger and stronger. 

My kids are my heroes. Not just my little guy who went through everything... But also my little girl who went through everything along with us! Her "normal" included many many visits to various doctors. She was so very patient and loving. Of course, she's still 2, trying to prove herself in this big big world. But I can't be more proud. She loves her baby brother. Nothing makes me happier!