Memories

I can still smell her perfume... Fresh and clean. And German! For some reason, my whole Egyptian family knew that German smell well. The one you smelt when you got off the plane in Germany. Till this day, I have no idea what it was. But I still smell it from time to time. It always reminds me of her. 

Our beautiful, wonderful, so powerful of a woman. Our Marianne. It was incredible, her knowledge of cultures, her creativity to make so many beautiful things, and her love for life. Her little room was filled with artifacts collected over the years. One corner with a shelf, carrying many a years worth of journals. Every night she wrote in those little identical edged journals. Her journey in the world. 

She was my Omi. 

My earliest memories included excitement upon hearing of her approaching visits! We counted down the days, and knew she would be bringing so many presents and activities! Oh how she loved playing with us! Board games, cards, memory games, and the most fun of all, pretend. Oh how shy we were memorizing our little roles in the sketches she put together for us. Our audience always being our loving parents! We were still shy, but oh so proud! 

I remember her workplace in Berlin. A community center, where teens would spend their after school. Many activities were available for them, including sewing. That took place in a big room with a couple of sewing machines and lots of fabric all around. I remember it was a little cluttered, but I was mesmerized by the little theater, and the handmade puppets. It was here where I first actually used a sewing machine. I don't recall what my project was, but i remember my Omi telling me to slow down on the foot pedal. :-) 

Every time I visited her in her little home in Berlin, we would do a new craft. Silk painting was a favorite. Seeing the colors magically spread to where you want them... And if you didn't seal the area well, see them spreading where you didn't want them! Watching salt catch the colors and create little random designs. 

It was in her little, cozy and wonderful, home where we learned to be creative. To let our minds wander, to let our spirits grow. Where we started, and actually finished, new projects. She sent me home one year with her mother's sewing machine. A dear little Singer, that came in its own carrier. Yellow with lovely swirly pattern on it. It is long gone now, but not before creating many skirts, and shirts, and some unfinished projects. 

Oh how I miss my Omi. Her big hugs. Her unwavering encouragement. And her healthy appetite. Meals were created with love in that house! And you could feel it. You fed all your senses, not just your belly. And dessert was just as important as the meal. 

I know she would have been so proud of me and my siblings if she could see us now. All on their own path, making our own lives. I know we are all where we are today because of her. She put us all on a path of pursuing our passion, igniting our creativity, and making the best of our days. 

Omi. If only you could see me, and my own two children now! 

The Begining

I remember those few minutes after I found out just like as if they were this morning. I saw the cleft in the ultrasound, but I didn't want to believe it. Even after the ultrasound tech confirmed my fears, I still wanted to think this was just some bad dream and I will still wake up... And my baby will be perfect and whole. I cried. A lot. After numerous tests we were happy to know it was just isolated, and not associated with any syndromes. I thought the geneticist was so cruel when she said "should you choose to keep the baby...". What kind of a comment is that!? But obviously, some parents do choose to terminate a pregnancy because the baby is not "perfect". 

Those few months till his arrival, I studied every chance I got! I knew everything about cleft lip and palate. The causes, the methods of feeding, what to expect, saw hundreds of pictures of cleft cuties, and just absorbed every little thing I could. I had so many fears, biggest of which will I love this little guy? How would I feel when I see him? How will I handle the first few months before the first surgery? How will everyone react to seeing him? 

He decided to make quite the appearance - but that is another story. As soon as I saw his beautiful face, all my fears suddenly disappeared. My mother bear instincts kicked in and all I cared about the first few days and weeks were to get him to feed and grow. I didn't care about anyone. I took it upon myself to educate about clefts. I loved him with my whole being, just as much as my love for my little girl. He was perfect, and by the time surgery came around, I was in mourning, knowing I will forever miss that wide beautiful smile. 

My baby boy turns one this week! It's crazy how fast this year has flown by. But even crazier how much we have accomplished. He took his first steps this week, squashing my fears of him having any physical set backs because of his hospitalizations. He eats everything! Including very little crumb or thread he sees, making my worries of him catching up on feeding forgotten! He's growing like a weed, babbling and yelling. 

It's been an amazing year of growth and tears... And growing pains. Every surgery brought it's own fears, and every phase had it's own struggles. Looking back, I didn't know I had it in me. I didn't know how brave I would be to take him out and about before his lip repair, proudly a mom of a cleft affected child. I didn't know how I would panic 30 times a day trying to get him to feed post-op, but never giving up, only trying a few minutes later. I didn't know how important it is to listen to your gut. Or how crucial it is to advocate for your child. One year later now, I feel so much bigger and stronger. 

My kids are my heroes. Not just my little guy who went through everything... But also my little girl who went through everything along with us! Her "normal" included many many visits to various doctors. She was so very patient and loving. Of course, she's still 2, trying to prove herself in this big big world. But I can't be more proud. She loves her baby brother. Nothing makes me happier!